You may be wondering whether you have typical relationship problems or something more sinister. Are you constantly walking on eggshells around your partner? Does it feel like you are always to blame in your relationship and that your perspective doesn't matter? Are you losing your self-esteem while feeling more anxious and hopeless? Are you questioning your own sanity?
Knowing if you are the victim of narcissistic abuse is not always clear. You may sense that something is off but have trouble putting language to it. The insidious manipulations of narcissistic abuse make it hard to pin point. You often don't realize what's happening until it's too late and has already taken a major toll on your life.
Exposure to someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is not a joke. In fact, being involved with a malignant narcissist can lead to significant psychological, emotional, physical, sexual, spiritual, and financial harm. Malignant narcissists feel entitled to exploit, demean and damage their victims for their own gain. They believe that they are superior, constantly seeking ways to bolster their grandiose egos through their abusive actions.
Narcissistic abuse can happen to anyone. And, it's often overlooked, minimized or excused by people who have not experienced it personally. There is often a complete split in the public and private persona. In public the narcissist might appear charming, reasonable and congenial. However, behind the scenes, the narcissist reveals his or her true self as an excessively self-centered, domineering bully using others to get what they want with no regard for other people’s feelings.
Nacissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a diagnosable mental illness (Cluster B). While people can have narcissistic traits, the personality disorder is a severe diagnosis that exists on a spectrum. NPD is a long-term pattern of abnormal and erratic behavior that deviates from cultural norms and results in emotional distress in relationships. People with NPD have an exaggerated sense of self-importance and superiority, a lack empathy for others, distorted sense of reality and preoccupation with power and control. A relationship with a narcissist is ultimately dehumanizing and destructive.
It's important to educate yourself about the characteristics of narcissistic abuse. You may need to leave the relationship, find new ways of relating to the narcissist or get help to restore your well being.
Here are common but dangerous tactics the malignant narcissist uses to exploit those who have the misfortune of getting close to them:
1) Bullying: yelling, aggressive behavior, verbal assaults and provocative language intended to force you to do something they want. This includes shaming, sarcasm, criticizing, name-calling, demanding, raging, and threatening if it is part of a frequent pattern of behavior. The aim is to keep you in a one-down position so that they can retain a feeling of power.
2) Isolation: keeping you away from the outside world, the abuser increases your dependence on them and alters your sense of reality. The narcissist will divide family members and play one against the other to control what their partners and loved ones reveal about them.
3) Gaslighting: instilling confusion and anxiety to create doubt around memories, perception and reality. If you confront a narcissist with something negative, they will deny it and give endless examples of how you are wrong no matter what evidence you offer. The aim is to make you feel mentally incompetent.
4) Blackmail: withholding communication, affection, sex, money, children, etc. and threatening through guilt, fear, intimidation and obligation to get what they want. The abuser may scare partners into dropping charges, threaten to hurt kids or animals, or report you to child services if you don't submit to their agenda.
5) Projection: an unwillingness to take ownership of shortcomings and blaming others for the exact behaviors they exhibit. Narcissists see themselves as flawless and project their undesirable traits onto their victims. Because the narcissist has little ability to self-reflect, you become the container for all of the narcissist’s self hatred.
6) Distraction: circular, nonsensical conversations designed to discredit, confuse and frustrate you so that the main issue is avoided. You will never feel like the narcissist is actually listening to you or expressing genuine empathy. They tend to dominate conversations and cut you off when you are talking. Narcissists will divert the conversation when it is not going their way.
7) Lying: habitually altering the truth and making up stories to avoid personal responsibility and to inject doubt, chaos and insecurity in the victim’s life. Lying is second nature to a narcissist and he/she usually feels justified in stating the falsehoods. A narcissist is a true believer in the delusions they create.
8) Nitpicking: constant criticizing, moving the goal posts and changing expectations to focus attention on the victim’s weaknesses rather than their own abusive and outrageous behavior. The narcissist will zero in on one event when the victim let down their guard, expressed anger or made a mistake, and then blow it of proportion.
9) Shaming: publicly or privately belittling, berating or humiliating the victim to make them feel less worthy. There is often a compulsive need to tell distorted narratives that build up the narcissist so that they feel superior. A narcissist may tease you about your social class, family background, appearance, intelligence, career or many other things and then tell you that you are being "too sensitive" or it was "just a joke".
10) Intimidation: disrespecting personal boundaries in order to feel in charge of the relationship. They will do this by using their bodies to dominate, making threatening gestures or looks, overtaking personal space, showing up unexpectedly, or bombarding with calls, texts or emails. The intimidation can be subtle using words that are spoken quietly or lovingly or disguised as humor.
11) Sabotaging: undermining or interfering with normal endeavors or relationships in order to seek revenge or get a personal advantage. Like a warped game of chess, the narcissist enjoys seeing the victim stumble and stress over the roadblocks they’ve set up. Vacations, birthdays, and special events are often used as the stage to ruin something the victim is looking forward to.
12) Neglect: Ignoring the needs of a child or elder for whom the narcissist is responsible. This devastating behavior includes putting a child or elder in a dangerous situation, leaving them unsupervised, or unsupported. In families with a narcissistic parent, the neglect of the children can be used to torment the higher-functioning parent. The narcissist may ignore needs for medical care, educational resources, clothing and adequate shelter, or basic nurturing, attention and affection.
13) Triangulation: using other people to make their story or delusions more credible and dismiss the other person’s experience. The narcissist will say that “so and so” agrees with them and that you are off base and alone in your perspective. Using deceptive tactics, they often recruit or rally another person, attorney or organization to do their bidding or dirty work.
Narcissistic abuse should be taken seriously. It can destroy lives and the trauma can have lasting consequences. Our bodies and minds are not wired for the chronic stress of a narcissist’s chaos, rage and manipulations. The sheer exhaustion of living day-to-day with the mind games, unpredictability and control can cause even the strongest person to feel hopeless. It’s not unusual for victims to experience complex grief, depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
It's imperative if you've gotten entangled with a malignant narcissist to get as much distance as possible from the individual, preferably having no contact. If this is not possible, there are ways to create clear boundaries and other protections for yourself.
Seek out a variety of support (educated and understanding friends and family, a trauma-informed therapist who is well versed in NPD, books and online resources, support groups). The experience of narcissistic abuse is isolating and can cause you to question everything. Learning new tools and finding support is crucial.
Overcoming the effects of narcissistic abuse is a journey of rediscovering and reclaiming your sense of self. The narcissistic abuser is a master at taking over everything. They leave little room for you to know yourself, safely express your feelings or have your needs met.
There is hope when trying to free yourself from the soul-sucking experience of being the target of a narcissist. For most survivors, the healing process starts with educating themselves. It does not happen overnight but recovery from narcissistic abuse brings increased self-confidence, self-love and abundant gratitude. Ultimately, you will find that your life has renewed meaning as you realize your power. There is a lot to look forward to!